HellBoy II The Golden Army

Once again Guillermo del Toro adeptly brings the cult comic Hero to life in his latest installment of the HellBoy Series. The familiar cast returns including Ron Pearlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Jeffrey Tambor and a cameo by John Hurt as well as the voice talent of Seth Macfarlane. Though the film is wonderful to watch with it's grand setscapes, effects and story, it does drag on a bit as do most sequels. Having said that, I still highly encourage watching this film in the theater while you still can, if nothing more than to take in all of the breathtakingly intricate vistas Guillermo portrays in the hidden realms of the mystical world around us. It is hard to conceive, even with the prodigious use of CG, the great lengths and expenditures, Del Toro went through to give life to even the most insignificant parts of his tail, details other such directors would just gloss over or leave out all together. All told HellBoy II isn't as compelling as the original, but in it's own right it doesn't have to be, after all it is a different story altogether.Golden Army does however surpass the first in effects, cinematography and action. If you liked the first movie, this one is a must see.

Rambo: Kill 'em all let my agent sort it out.

What's not to like about Stallone's latest mindless action flick. Unlike Rambo II and III that got bogged down with a useless plot, Rambo (Rambo 4) delves right in to the action , the blood, guts, entrails, explosions, tiny unrecognizable body parts and torture. This time, semi-retired Rambo (maybe he should go to Florida like the rest of the AARP crowd), finds himself reluctantly caught up in a rescue mission of some bubble headed do gooder peacenik Christians that want to bring medical supplies and bibles to the villagers being slaughtered upriver in Burma/Myanmar. The local warlords of course capture the brain washed Kool-aid crowd shortly after being dropped off by Rambo, thus beginning the systematic torture and execution part of their trip not covered in the Peace Corp brochure.(personally I just slam the door in their face, I never found the need to torture them) So the Pastor of their sponsor church actually makes the trip to the outskirts of Burma, hiring some Mercs along the way. The last thing on his list is the boat man who knows the exact insertion point of the lollipop guild up river. Rambo eventually agrees to ferry the special forces wannabes up river to the drop off site. (good thing to or the movie would be pretty much over) From here the fighting starts with Rambo showcasing his master prowess with his bow and arrow, not just used for fishing after all. They then enter the camp where the bad guys are holding the dumb guys, release the dumb guys, setting off a small gorilla war. From here on the film starts to pay off if you are in to senseless violence, explosions and body parts blasted across the camera lens. (And who isn't? Think Saving Private Ryan meets Robocop) Definitely worth a rent for the action sequences alone, if not for the conclusion of the Rambo saga.

Knocked Up

Awesome, totally awesome! I passed this movie up at the theaters and on rental constantly fearing it would be an awful college comedy written by amateur film students. I finally caught this film one day on cable and let me say "Knocked Up" turns out to be one of the best comedies I have ever scene. I have never laughed and cringed so much over the ridiculous amount of lewd one liners and comedic situational elements. I can't recommend this movie enough if you have ever dated, are dating, or are married. Writer;Director Judd Apatow ("40 Year Old Virgin,""Fun with Dick and Jane") hits one out of the park with this tale of twenty something under achiever Ben Stone who finds himself a reluctant expecting father after a drunken one night stand. The interplay between Ben and his friends/roommates is priceless. I found it both painful and hilarious to watch as this clueless would be boyfriend and soon to be father stumbled through the pangs of building a relationship with the girl he knocked up, trying to be mature by distancing himself from his dead beat friends and of course pregnant sex.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Page 116 get a grant for alien experimentation and autopsies, page 232 get paid to write a novel about the Lincoln assassination, page 410 get money to transcribe long lost Watergate tapes, page 47 find the Lost City if Gold ... the much heralded sequel to the first Disney "Indiana Jones" knock off, "National Treasure," wastes no time plunging head first in to a showcase devoid of any semblance of acting, coherent plot or one tittle of realism. The film's title has little to do with the actual script as does competent direction, narrative and story. Nick Cage reprises his role as Ben Gates, the super droll book worm turned accidental treasure hunter, who must clear his family name of any participation in the Lincoln Assassination. How does one do this you might ask? Well don't, you really don't want to sit through this horrible crap for 5 minutes let alone the total 2 hour and 4 minute run time. (Good Christ, Ed Harris and John Voight must have really needed the money) Suffice to say Gates finds the book, the Lost City of Gold (who really knows what either has to do with anything or each other) and the movie mercifully ends. Even if you were a fan of the first move, you will be sorely disappointed by this failure. Disney should just stick to direct release to DVD for all of it's pulp money grubbing sequels like it bilks us parents with all of the horrendous parsimonious cartoon flicks. ("Lilo & Stitch 2, Stitch has a Glitch" Screw you Disney, Screw you!)

P.S. I Love You ... that's why I let you drag me to this chic flick. P.S.S. I better get some head afterwards.

Wow, it's a bird, no it's a plane, no it's just another overly pretentious, man hating, femi-Nazi, romantic chic flick! Get out your hankys guys because you will definitely earn your stripes by having to sit through this one while resisting the urge to punch yourself in the balls and chew your own arm off. Half woman half horse, Hillary Swank falls in love with a care free handsome Irishman, but runs into the perilous pitfalls of marriage while trying to balance her career, his desire to have children and finding the perfect shoes to compliment her feedbag. Luckily for our guy, he dies right off from a brain tumor. (man if I had a dollar for every time I faked that one) Fortunately for the distraught filly, he left behind a series of notes to haunt, I mean help her from the grave. Unfortunately for any heterosexual men still alive in the audience there is no reprieve from the constant hen cackling, horse neighing and fluffy girl stuff the entire film through. If you want to rent this one for date night, remember the wine, lots and lots of wine! (earplugs, a blindfold and a healthy dose of chlorpromazine wouldn't hurt either)

Untraceable should have been more watchable.

Untraceable is part of a new breed of the horror sub genre, the shock thriller. Movies of this ilk are little more than paltry drills in pressing the boundaries of tolerable depictions of macabre violence in a public forum. The story, not being terribly original, takes place over the internet. Our heroine is a veteran agent in the FBI Cyber-Crimes Devision who works longs hours hunting down bad guys at night and is a loving, caring single mom by day. One night, the first night (after all it is a movie) she is presented with a potentially criminal website that beckons with the portal "Kill with Me?" Long boring story short, it turns out to be a super duper live streaming site that the FBI is powerless to shut down even with the eventual help of the NSA and probably a whole lot of other three lettered agencies to boot. The killer, well, kills on his site by having various types of torture devices hooked up to a site meter on his comodore 64. (or what ever PC was product placed, I don't remember) The more people who log on, the faster each victim dies. The acting was poor, the direction lack luster and the ending too preachy. Only watch this one if you like watching people "semi-humanely" tortured to death in our new millennium of Political Correctness and enlightenment.

the Golden Compass points to the thing your heart desires the most, an exit from the theater.

"The Golden Compass" promised much but definitely fell short even for a children's story. Like so many projects spawned in the dark annals of Hollywood boardrooms theses days, this script's inconsequential birth was poorly cloned from the bludgeoned vestiges of the classic works preceding it. Written with in a genre replete with masters of story telling, "Golden Compass" is nothing more than a trite pinchbeck of the more famous Fantasy stories written through out the years. The general consensus to date seems to be, take a horrifically obscene budget, cast a bunch of well known stars, hire one of the best CG animation studios and lastly have some studio writer pen some sort of script that can tie all of those elements together.
"the Golden Compass" was no exception. The cinematography and the CG effects were first rate, as was most of the acting. That's were any of the movie's appeal ended. The story was week and the direction lousy. Apparently in a parrallel universe each human is paired with an animal counterpart, a demon. The human and animal are bound together since birth. Since this is a fanatasy epic there has to be good and evil. The evil side in this boring tale would be the Magisterium, the ruling body over all things magical, basically an allusion to our own government. The forces of good lead by James Bond, I mean, Lord Asriel set out to seek a unique human at one of the polar regions who has dust flowing through him. Why dust, and why is it so important? Who cares just look at the shiny bright objects on the screen and the cute CG rendered animals. Some where in the debacle of a plot the bad guys hunt down the good guys, some polar bears show up to fight along side some witches and then the movie ends. The studio of course hopes you will want to actually go see the sequel to find out what became of the dust and Jame Bond, uh, Lord Asriel. Rent this for your kids but don't expect to get much more out of it than you would watching a "Curious George" cartoon with them.

In the Name of the King: A Bowel Purge Tale

"In the Name of the King: a Dungeon Siege Story" doesn't merit a full viewing let alone a review, but for the sake of innocent unsuspecting men, women and children everywhere I chose to abide the suffrage of watching each and every excruciatingly tedious moment of this repugnant cumulus of banal ribaldry. (in other words it sucked the big one and I wanted to walk out of the theater if it weren't for my duties as a reviewer and fellow human being to warn others) The story, what little there actually was, turned out to be nothing more than a shameless imitation of the "Lord of the Rings" series. The direction was lousy, the actors miscast , the score out of place, the story substandard, and the effects little better than B-grade amateur student film quality. Burt Reynolds in a wannabe Fantasy Epic, along with Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Kristanna Loken, Claire Forlani and Matthew Lillard? Bro, puff, puff pass, don't bogart all of the crack. This movie was D.O.A. before the script hit the producers hand, but unfortunately that didn't daunt powerhouse director/producer Uwe Boll and his cohorts from making his "masterpiece." I have seen more compelling heartfelt drama in a Billy Mays' infomercial. I saw this film because I had to, but you still have time to turn away. Learn from my mistake, please I can't bear the thought of any more needless suffering at the hands of lousy, talentless, life draining, hacks such as the parties involved in bringing this beast to life.

Cloverfield

"Cloverfield" is a lot like "Godzilla" meets the "Blair Witch Project" but with good writing, directing, effects and acting. The pace starts off a bit sluggish as we watch a going away party unfold for one of the central players and the ensemble of characters are slowly developed prior to the onslaught of mayhem, suspense and action. What made this film such a treat outside of the wonderful effects, was director Matt Reeve's brave choice to shoot the entire film "hand held" which lends a riveting feel of realism as the story unfolds from the first person perspective. The viewing audience is never given behind the scene information about happenings elsewhere in the city, the nature of the creature, or if the rest if the world is also under siege. We are right there with the characters as the events unfold live in front of us in our little microcosm of Manhattan proper. I did find myself wanting at times for this film to be a little more formula so that I could have learned more about the creature, seen it a little more and had some closure at the end. However staying true to the unique style of this film, that was not possible. This is definitely one of the better Sci-Fi thrillers I have scene in quite a while. This is not simple action by numbers, you the audience member will actually have to use your imagination from time to time, something directors have not let us do for many years. Give it a chance and enjoy it for what it is and you won't be disappointed.

The Man From Earth, Not Only Jerome Bixby's Last Work But Perhaps His Greatest as Well

Being an Uberfan of Sci-Fi, it is always refreshing to take a break from the mainstream drudgery of big budget, mindless, poorly written, special effects laden, hour and half product placement driven action fest. "The Man From Earth" is a story written in a style regrettably from an era long since past. The movie in essence is nothing more than a play shot on film, where in the characters interaction is immediate and more intense. Bixby, who also wrote for "the Twilight Zone" and "Star Trek" delivered a wonderful screenplay and story in which the subjects of immortality, religion and ultimately death could all be discussed in not only the traditional faith based emotional sense, but also through objective scientific hypothesis.
The story starts out with a group of college professors reluctantly throwing a rushed going away party for one of their long time friends and colleges, John Oldman. They are as upset over the speed of his departure as they are with him giving no reason for why he wants to leave so hurriedly at this point in his public career and private life. None the less they descend on his modest cabin to give him an impromptu going away party as he packs to leave. After some kind prodding and genuine concern, eventually Oldman takes a chance and decides to tell them a unique secret he has never revealed before, that he is in fact actually a 14,000 year old Cromagnon caveman that is basically immortal. Incredulous and offended, his fellow doctors and professors "play" along as he slowly reveals bits and pieces of his many centuries walking the planet. What makes this story so compelling is the spectacular in depth writing that addresses so many potential plot holes that so wantonly peek between the lines of such a complex medium. I was riveted from the beginning all the way to the surprise twist at the end. Sadly this was Bixby's last work to be made since his death in 1998. Modern day screen writers would do well to follow Bixby's work and gives us all a much needed break from the dull, boring crap that the studios keep forcing on us. This movie will keep you thinking long after it has ended. I will definitely be adding this wonderful film to my collection.

Helen predictably hated it. He said it was boring and dumb. All they did was stay in one room and talk, no action, no budget, no cool hard rock soundtrack. He was so pissed I made him sit through this that he hasn't spoken to me in a few days now. I'm sure I can get him to come around though by playing "Total Recall" or "Flesh Gorden" for him.

Super Hero Movie Doesn't Suck

There are a lot of people who like the forced setups, obvious jokes, double entendres, physical slap stick and third grade "toilet humor" of films like those in the "Scary Movie" series. I reluctantly admit, I am one of those people. I have always liked the ultra stupidity and cheep laughs of films like "Airplane," "Top Secret" and "Naked Gun." They have been a guilty pleasure of mine over the years. "SuperHero movie" doesn't disappoint in this vain. Writer Director Craig Mazin, who brought us Scary Movie 3 and 4, once again returns to the big screen with this, the latest spoof of the many Super Hero movies so unceremoniously cranked out in the past few years. He directs a familiar cast of Leslie Nielson, Christopher McDonald, Brent Spiner, Tracy Morgan and Nicole Sullivan just to name a few. Mazin's parodies of "Spiderman," Tom Cruise, the "X-Men" and the "Fantastic Four" were priceless. Although the comedy was predictable and some of the laughs forced, my whole family and I really enjoyed it from start to finish. In hind sight I am glad we saw this one at one of the last remaining drive-ins around today, because otherwise we would have been kicked out for laughing, talking and just having a marvelously boisterous time together at the movies. I highly recommend this one if you are a fan of the aforementioned type of movies, otherwise you will probably hate it and want your money back.

10,000 B.C. Not Long Enough Ago to Forget This Craptacular Fiascoe

Roland Emmerich's latest big budget "Historical Fiction for Dummies" or "10,000 BC" as it was officially released, is by far his worst collaborative effort to date. The pace of the movie started of really slow for about the first 65 minutes and then as the story started to head in to the more intense action sequences, it really got boring. I've never been a huge fan of CGI though I have more or less accepted it as a mainstay in cinema today. Fortunately the CGI effects, though numerous in this film, were first rate and didn't detract from the movie, Mr. Emmerich's lousy direction coupled with a total lack of plot did that. I have consistently been suckered in by his promises of original stories, big effects, big names and shiny bright objects. I have faithfully followed his work ever since I accidentally saw his second major commercial success, "Stargate."Since then I have diligently sat through all of his almost hit movies and his two biggest failures (Story wise) ID4 and Godzilla.
The movie starts with a narrator, yes a narrator because unfortunately most of today's viewing audience has enough trouble choosing Jif, switching to Geiko or remembering to bath on must see TV night. Upon hearing the narration I was immediately taken back to one of my worst traumatic childhood memories, watching the 1984 made for TV "Ewok Adventure" narrated by Burl Ives. God, the years of therapy it took to get over that. Watching "10,000 BC" was about as exciting as standing in line for tickets to the "Rosie O'Donnell Show." The action sequences were few and far between, not to mention less compelling than Mark Furhman hosting the NAACP Image Awards. Save your money and if you have to see it, wait for the dvd release. Meanwhile, if you want to go out to the movies, pick something more intellectually and emotionally stimulating like "Horton Hears a Who."

Helen liked this movie from start to finish. (I can only guess because ,being a plant, he has no eyes or ears) He found the narration helpful and absolutely loved the action scenes with the Saber-toothed tiger and the Mammoths. He thoroughly enjoyed the counter play between the would be hero and the villain who stole his wife. All in all he loved this movie and for that matter all of Roland Emmerich's films. (of course I would like to remind our readers, he does have the IQ of a plant)

Shamu Saves Police Woman's Life!

A female cop was being overpowered by her arrestee and was nearly killed by him, when a citizen stepped in to help. Fortunately the officer was near a large open body of water, allowing one time Sea World Star, Shamu to leap out and on to the perpetrator effectively pacifying him. Warning the actual dash cam video follows below, some images are extremely disturbing and may be unsuitable for anyone in our viewing audience.









The "alleged assailant," Terquan Jefferson, could not be reached for immediate comment but a family spokesman, Al Sharpton, told this blog that the Jefferson family was planning legal action against the San Diego Police department and Shamu for violating Terquan's eighth amendment rights, using excessive force and racial profiling.

Further more the flamboyant preacher plans a protest march later tomorrow in front of Shamu's Brentwood Estate. He detailed plans for busing in people from several other affluent California communities including Beverly Hills, Palm Springs and Malibu which are predominately populated by wealthy black Rappers, Hip Hop Artists and Upper Level County Municipal Workers. "We won't quit until persons of African heritage everywhere can walk freely past a convenience store on a hot summer day with a hoodie and ski mask on while carrying a tech-9 without getting harassed by racist members of the SFPD or random aquatic sea life." Al Sharpton was quoted as saying as he addressed the angry mob of unemployed bystanders outside of city hall earlier this afternoon.



Shamu did not immediately return any phone calls and no spokesman has come forward on her behalf. Though she retired some thirteen years ago, it is estimated that her net worth still exceeds $20,000,000.00 USD (approx. 10,000 Euros) thanks in large to a savvy investment in Bubba Gump Shrimp she made in the early 90's.


The officers name is being withheld pending an investigation. She will be on temporary paid administrative leave, a routine procedure when an officer involved smothering is in question. San Diego County Sheriff Jefferson Davis "Boss" Hogg wanted to remind everyone that though Shamu's actions ultimately were courageous and probably resulted in the saving of the young Officers life," don't take the law into your own hands: you take 'em to court, the Peoples Court."

Family Guy's Stewie Re-Acts to 2 Girls 1 Cup

I have been a long time fan of Seth MacFarlane's Family Guy since it first aired so many years ago. Not only has he managed to keep the show fresh and topical but his irreverent since of humor always hits the mark. He routinely uses more alliteration , double entendres and sub-references than Dennis Miller on the tail end of a 14 day meth bender giving a safe sex lecture at a N.A.M.B.L.A. convention. One other thing MacFarlane regularly does, is make reference to viral videos on the internet. Last Sunday ,on Fox, he again did just that when he had Brian showing Stewie the 2 girls 1 cup video on a laptop. (big thanks to Rob for suppling the YouTube link here: Stewie 2 Girls 1 Cup. Watch while you can before it gets pulled by the copyright Nazi's) If you haven't heard of the original video or haven't seen it, don't. If you don't know what N.A.M.B.L.A. is, you don't want to know. I just find it humorous that someone out there can make light of some of the more disgusting things in Society that over the years I have had the misfortune to stumble across. Long live Family Guy.

Update

Since I launched my blog a little over a week ago, I have been constantly changing and upgrading the available features. I have added a poll which I will update weekly and I am working on adding local show times for anyone in the U.S. I also added a new email address for anyone who wishes to contact us apart from the one provided in our profile. Lastly, we will be reviewing some first run titles, a departure from the Dvd releases we normally critique. Look for reviews on "Jumper" and "Super Hero Movie" coming soon.

The Seeker: The Dark is Rising and the Ratings are Falling.

Just think Christopher Eccleston gave up a lucrative contract to be the new Doctor Who after only one season because he didn't want to be trapped in that role unable to further his acting career with such dynamic works as this. The Seeker starts slow and gets progressively worse from there. I had to sit through it, but I can't possibly imagine any other mortal human enduring such torture of their own free will unless money or a woman were involved. I highly doubt the acting talent themselves attended the premier sober. Eccleston along with Iam Mcshane, Frances Conroy and young Alexander Ludwig were all miscast in this disgrace of a fantasy sci-fi film. Then again I wouldn't wish this disastrous monstrosity on any actors resume let alone the unsuspecting viewing public. This is another over done tail of light verses dark with the reluctant hero being a barely post pubescent 14 year old who is torn between new found sexual feelings, rebellion against his family, social acceptance, oh and saving the universe. Just to make things a little more uninteresting the director sloppily careens the story through the medium of time travel, my favorite sub-genre and the most botched element in movies today. The plot is neither interesting nor original and like so many movies of late, I was terribly relieved at the films conclusion. David Cunningham should stick to directing tv series and direct to video exercise dvds.

Helen shares most of my sentiments, but he gave much more leeway to the movie because he has been such a huge fan of Eccleston ever since he starred in the new Doctor Who pilot. Unlike me though, Helen felt Cunningham should be emasculated and locked up in Guantanamo for his crimes against humanity. (Helen was a big fan of Susan Cooper's "the Dark is Rising" book series from which this movie was so poorly adapted) He enjoyed the acting of Ian Mcshane and Ludwig, but regretfully thought Eccleston was merely reprising his personification of "the Doctor" something the actor definitely didn't want to do. Helen suggests watching the Lifetime Network or God forbid, the Hallmark or Oxygen channel, before renting this total piece of crap.

AVPR - Alien Vs. Predator Requiem

The sequel to Alien Vs. Predator, AVPR, was surprisingly good for what it was. The first movie was poorly written even for a mindless action Sci-Fi flick and it lacked any real interaction between the two warring species apart from the occasional fight scene. AVPR not only had tons of action, but stuck more to the original premise of the comic series, Aliens are a dangerous form of intelligent big game and the Predators are intergalactic Hunters that have a long time standing rivalry with them. This film was ably directed by the brother pair of Colin and Greg Strauss, this being their first major film outside of direct to video. One of the few objections I had to this flick other than the churned out plot, was that most of the scenes were excessively dark. The lighting actually took away from some of the more intense action scenes because it was literally impossible to see what was happening. This film is not for the little ones because of it's graphic nature, but refreshingly enough there was no nudity or excessive language. The special effects were first rate which also added to the movies over all good execution. The characters, the human ones anyway, were pretty much one dimensional and easily tossed aside or rather ripped limb from limb as fodder for both the many Aliens and the Predator hunting them. One pretty cool aspect other than the over whelming number of Aliens running loose maiming towns folk, was some of the new aliens, a throw back from the third movie. Apparently in Alien 3 the writers felt that all Aliens would take on certain attributes of there original host from which they were spawned. In this movie, the second in the AVP series or sixth overall in the Alien saga, we are introduced to a new Alien/Predator mutation with the partial mandibles of the predator race and a mixed body of the two species, that not only can lay eggs through it's esophagus but kick ass while doing it. I recommend this movie as a decent Sci-Fi action film with enough scare factor in it to get your girlfriend, wife or significant other to grab on tight to you during the more "jumpy" scenes. This was one of the more pleasant rentals I have come across in the last several months of a "cinematic dry spell."

Gene Roddenberry was a Notorious Peacemonger

I am somewhat of a Trekkie having grown up watching the original series in syndication and watching each of the Paramount movies as they were released. I love the pseudoscience, the characters and the story lines of most of the series and I even watched some of the spin offs from time to time. However I never attended a convention or have ever gotten dressed up in full federation regalia to masturbate to Jeri Ryan, Nana Visitor or worse Marina Sirtis. One thing I and all of the more hard core fans can agree on though, is Star Trek needs more battles! Roddenberry always championed the human effort as a whole and promoted peace through diplomacy rather than war or conquest. All I am asking, now that he has been dead for over a decade (1991) that Paramount, it's writers and directors, finally give the fans what they want.
Forget about interpersonal relationship crisis's , politically correct anecdotes of social equality and space exploration in to unknown parts, only to find another new gay species whose ass we will have to kiss. I want to see all out space and ground battles complete with gore, violence and full frontal female nudity, where appropriate. Think "Saving Private Ryan" mixed with the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" with a touch of "Aliens" and "Barbarella." Most fans forget what the "Neutral Zone" is all about. It is not unlike contemporary DMZ's the world over. You don't get the "Neutral Zone" outside of all out war and the subsequent peace treaty. Let's see that war from the Klingon warrior race against the federation and its allies. How about an hour and a half film with two 15-20 minute all out space battles, a couple of all out hand to hand ground incursions and maybe some kind of weak plot thrown in for good measure. I want to see explosions, entrails, with tits and fists flying everywhere like God intended movies for Men to be!

Artist Formerly Known as Plant

Plant has announced, due to politically correct social upheaval , financial constraint and artistic merit, He has legally changed his name to "Helen." Apparently I had kept him in the "Hydroponic Closet" a little to long. Therefore all future reviews, blog posts, documents and the like, will either contain the opinions of myself (J.B.) or "Helen." However we will not be changing the blog header for this site in order to eliminate any possible confusion by our loyal fan(s).

Thank you,
Javier Balzonya
Site Administrator

El Topo ... Once Again 2008's Worst Movie Ever to Show your Paranoid Drug Addict Friends.

Watching El Topo is definitely one of those events in life that you have to try just once before you die. It would be nearly impossible and quite unfair to try and pigeon hole Jodorowsky's Disasterpiece as a mere craptacular collage of disjointed shock points wrapped in a loose vale of a Psychedelic Western Quasi Spiritual Transcendence of Childhood Intimacy Issues in a Biblical subtext of Man and his false Gods. (although some have tried) El Topo is all of that and none of the above. It is as if Jodorowsky had six weeks to live and wanted to put every issue he ever faced on Earth in to a two hour film with poor editing, lousy sound, no discernible plot and no budget. However his eclectic eccentricity is certainly unique and does not fail to hold the viewer's interest the whole film through. All though the film has reached legendary cult status and is remarkable in it's own right, it is still a second rate juxtaposition of unabashed nonsensical refuse, that admittedly was somewhat awesome to watch.

El Topo delivers in a big way from the onset with intense scenes of violence, murder, incest, rape, nudity, torture, sex, theological experimentation, perversity and enough slaughtered farm animals to feed a starving African Nation. The viewer is instantly compelled by the disturbing yet thought provoking imagery as one attempts to unravel any coherent meaning from the "ham fisted" juvenile symbolism "barfed" across the screen. Who is "El Topo", gun fighter, deity, prophet, rapist, future cast member of Kung Fu? Who knows? Each disjointed scene takes us closer to the edge of epiphany, disillusion, boredom and fascination. This quirky film, the first of "the midnight movies," is so odd and bold that it defies accurate description.


Here is a detailed plot summary provided by Wikipedia:

Part 1

The movie takes place in two parts. The first half, in an unnamed spaghetti-western inspired desert, opens with El Topo and his son who is naked (but sheltered by an umbrella) riding a horse. He tells his son that he is now seven years old, and must bury his first toy and a picture of his mother in the sand. Meanwhile, El Topo plays his flute, thus the movie starts.

During their journey, they find a lifeless town with all the inhabitants killed and mutilated (including the farm animals). El Topo avenges the town by hunting down and killing the outlaws who butchered the townsfolk. They find out that the outlaws are under the command of a Colonel who has taken another small town with a monastery and its inhabitants as hostage. El Topo rescues the town from the Colonel and his outlaws, only to abandon his son with the monks. He rides off with a woman whom the Colonel and his outlaws had kept captive as a slave, and names her Mara after the bitter water they later drink from a pond. Mara convinces El Topo to defeat the four great gun masters to become the greatest gunman in the land. He duels each of them at Mara's prodding, and during each duel, El Topo either cheats or gets lucky.

The first duel is with a blind man with the voice of a woman, dressed in only a thong and guarded by a man with no legs riding a man with no arms. The man claims to be impervious to bullets, stating that he "offers them no resistance," and even demonstrates this ability. El Topo slays the man by setting a man hole trap for the master so that he loses concentration, and Mara kills the remaining two half-men. An unnamed woman with a male voice finds the couple and offers to lead them to the next gunslinger. The mysterious female gives Mara a mirror, which she becomes enamored with. The gunslinger is frustrated by her vanity and shoots the mirror from her hands. After desperately trying to reform the mirror, she quits and gives him the shards, which he places in his pocket.

The second gunslinger is some sort of a traveling gypsy, accompanied by his mother and a lion. After initially beating El Topo in a duel, the large man shows El Topo how he came to be so powerful. He tells El Topo that he strengthened his fingers by working with copper and later on by creating delicate objects like toothpick pyramids. He also tells El Topo that the reason he is alive and powerful is because he has his mother whom he loves and takes care of, while El Topo, unlike him, is all alone in this world, only living to destroy others. Afterwards the man decides to give the black gunslinger one more chance. While walking away, El Topo places Mara's mirror shards on the ground. The massive man's mother, whom the man is obsessed with, gives El Topo his revolver and then steps on the mirror shards. Concerned with his mother, the brute forgets about his duel with El Topo. The man in black then shoots the gypsy gunslinger in the back of his head.

The third gun master is found at a rabbit farm. The rabbit shepherd is rather unconcerned with the man in black and his mission, and tells him that as soon as he arrived at the rabbit farm, the rabbits began to die. They both shared a moment of peace together by playing music to each other, because music can tell a person's character more than word the master says. They then compared to each other the way they shoot by shooting at crows. El Topo's bullet hit the crow's head while the master shot the heart of the bird. Afterward, they start the duel, and the master shoots El Topo in the chest knocking him down. However, El Topo stands up, laughing, unfazed from the bullet. He then shoots the defenseless rabbit farmer, since his gun can only fire one bullet at a time. El Topo then pulls a copper plate from his coat-- a gift from the previous gun master. Although El Topo won the duel by cheating, he starts to question his own morality. In an act of respect for the master, he makes a grave for him out of the dead rabbits.

After more traveling through the desert, El Topo comes to the last, and most spartan, gun master. The man wears only a small loin cloth and his ghost gray hair comes down to his waist. Next to him is a butterfly net. El Topo wishes to duel him, but the man says that he has no pistol, having traded it away years ago for the net. The two then get in a fistfight where El Topo is unable to connect a single blow. Frustrated, El Topo attempts to shoot the man, who catches the bullets in his butterfly net and throws them back at the man in black. Realizing that he finally was beaten as he couldn't kill the last master, El Topo gives up in frustration. In tears, the master then asks El Topo if his life is really worth taking. The master then takes the pistol away from El Topo and kills himself in a demonstration of the unimportance of life, declaring, "You have lost!"

El Topo, ridden with the guilt of cheating, destroys his own gun and revisits the places where he killed those masters. The rabbit master's grave is turned into flames, the gypsy master and his mother are entombed with a large toothpick pyramid around them, and the blind master's grave is covered with honey combs, while his two servants' grave has become a shrub.

The unnamed woman then confronts El Topo and shoots him multiple times, giving him a series of gunshot wounds on his hands and feet, much like the wounds of Christ. Frustrated with his failure, and perhaps in love with the woman stranger, Mara then betrays and shoots him. They both ride off together, leaving El Topo to his own fate, similar to when El Topo abandoned his son. It is implied that these two women will destroy each other one day [1]. The first half ends with the gunslinger being taken away by a band of strange, deformed people.

Part 2

The second half of the movie takes place years later, after El Topo is rescued by a band of deformed outcasts, saving him from death. The outcasts take El Topo to their underground community, where he, comatose, meditates on the four lessons for many years. When he awakes, he is 'born again,' and shaves off all his beard and hair and wears light, simple clothing (similar to Buddhist clothing). He decides to help the outcasts, and, together with a dwarven girl who looked after him while he was comatose, goes on a quest to free them from their subterranean prison.

However, it turns out that the citizens of the neighbouring town are corrupted cultists who enjoy killing for bloodsport, treating slaves as animals and indulging in sexual pleasures. El Topo is by now starting to doubt whether it was a good idea to escape the mountain; however, since he promised the underground people to help them, he decides to do various odd jobs in town -- from pantomiming to cleaning storefronts -- to buy dynamite.

At the same time, a mysterious monk arrives in town, who, in short order, becomes the new priest for the failing local Christian church (which had been replaced by the town's own pagan religion). However this new priest carries a gun and even uses live ammunition during the towns scam Russian roulette sermon (in which the local "priest" told the mysterious monk that the bullet is a blank).

While earning money for various low-level jobs, El Topo and the dwarven girl are forced at gun point to have sexual intercourse in front of a crowd of drunken cultists. This is when the dwarven girl reveals that she is in love with El Topo. The dwarven girl is ashamed of herself, however, and El Topo convinces her that she is beautiful. To show that he really appreciates her, he decides to marry her, heading to the town church. It is revealed that the new priest of the church is actually none other than El Topo's own son. In a fit of rage, his son threatens to kill El Topo; however, he was stopped by the dwarven girl because she needed El Topo to save her people.

The son of El Topo, dressed in black similar to his father in the past, decides to spare El Topo's life until he finishes digging the exit for the underground people. However, he will follow El Topo's every step. For a while, the life of these three is working hard and living together happily as a family for once. Some time passes, and the dwarven girl is shown to be pregnant.

With the help of his dwarf girlfriend and his son, El Topo digs an exit out of the cave. Just as the exit appears, the underground people start to run out of the mountain. The son of El Topo also could not kill his father/master, and decides to let it go. Sadly, just as the underground people near the town, the cultists are waiting for them with guns. El Topo helplessly witnesses his community being murdered by the cultists. In a fit rage, as if El Topo was possessed by God, he ignores the pain from several fatal bullet wounds and proceeds to take a rifle and start to kill all of the cultists in the town, men and women, old and young. Some are forced to abandon the town en masse (probably the slaves). After everybody in town is killed, El Topo takes an oil lamp and then pours oil on himself and sets himself on fire, an act reflecting the self-immolation of Buddhist monks and others that were protesting the Vietnam War, which was still going on at the time of the filming.

El Topo's son and girlfriend survive the ordeal and made a grave for his remains, which becomes a beehive full of honey, as the first gun master's grave became. Since his dwarf girlfriend gives birth to their child at the same time as his death, the ending leads the viewer to believe that the child is the reincarnation of the gunslinger-turned-monk (borrowing the idea of Tibetan Buddism of reincarnation of the next Dalai Lama). The Son of El Topo, now dressed in his father's garments, the dwarf and the child ride off on a horse in the same fashion that the Son of El Topo and El Topo did in the beginning of the film.

All in all, I highly recommend this flick to anyone who is a true fan of cinema and the uniquely different. Jodorowsky's film will forever remain an integral part of my love for antidisestablishmentarianism in all mediums. (After 36 plus years I finally got to use that word!)

"Helen" liked his trip through the ugly fantastic as well. He at times , like myself, was a bit overwhelmed by the redundant images of ideology so prolifically force fed to the audience. He also found this "whimsical folly of experimental film" a bit draining scene after scene, but never the less diligently stuck it out to the bitter end. Moreover Helen and I both agree that this film would have been far more compelling and insightful if we had been full on BAKED. I don't mean the casual "hit" or "night cap" but pass out in your own urine and vomit for 26 hours , totally "Freak'n LIT," type of high.

Ultimately this piece is not for everyone, especially your mentally disfigured drug addict friends, but it certainly is a Hell of a lot better than watching reruns of "Knight Rider."

Sweeny Todd or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

What can I say it is a musical? I hate musicals except for that lovely rendition of "Chicago" beautifully performed by Richard Gere , Catherine Zeta-Jones , Renee Zellweger and Queen Latifa. (No I'm not gay) Keeping that in mind, Tim Burton's version of the classic play was pretty good, but it is still a musical all be it a good one. There is of course very little dialog (less than 15 or 20 minutes) but that is to be expected. The sets, characters, makeup and cinematography are all distinctive Burton. Burton's Todd may be a little graphic for the more squeamish but pretty freak'n cool for the rest of us who love the blood spurting cranked up to full a al "Kill Bill."
Johhny Depp once again shows his versatility as he quite ably sings his way through the lead role. The supporting cast does just as well as they perform in this macabre tale that finally proves musicals can be watchable for heterosexual men, women and small animals the world over. All together I liked it and would recommend it for anyone who is a fan of Burton or Depp. The story, though basically a Greek tragedy, is still timeless and entertaining enough to hold your interest throughout. I had always heard that English food had a reputation for being bland and uneventful, certainly a stigma this movie will forever cast aside. One of the high points through out the feature is Mrs. Lovett and her meat pies.

Plant didn't like this one as much. He said the music creeped him out, kind of like the time he was used as a prop on the set of "Signs" and had to listen to hours of Mel Gibson and Ted Sutton talk about their years spent in the Hitler Youth. He still can't watch any M. Night Shyamalan film to this day. Then again who really can. Seriously. a kid reading cereal boxes foretelling the future. What next, all of the bees dying off and people disappearing? Please, somebody, anybody, stop him before he directs again. Plant also didn't believe Alan Rickman (one of his favorite actors) was properly cast in the role of Judge Turpin. He would have liked to have seen either Randy Quaid or Paul Reubens.

At this point, I am seriously starting to doubt Plant's motivation. Sometimes I don't think he cares about movies as much as he used to.

They're Strippers, no they're Zombies... They're Zombie Strippers

This movie has yet to grace the silver screen with all it's majesty and beauty, but we wait with baited breath none the less. I saw the trailer for this little Gem on a recent rental and knew we would have to see it as soon as possible. Will it disappoint, will it be an utter pile of steaming B-movie dog shit? Probably, but what would be midnight horror flick isn't? However any movie that manages to finagle a plot with scantily clad strippers, flesh eating zombies and retain not only Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street , The Adventures of Ford Fairlane) but Jenna Jameson ( Strippers Ball) to boot, well ... has to be worth the price of admission alone. While it is doubtful any Academy Award nominations will come out of this movie, I can pretty much guarantee it will be memorable or rather, impossible to forget. I recommend calling up your significant other and making a night of it, make the large popcorn or buy it at the theater (if it makes it that far) and down a 12 pack or two before you settle in to watch this latest installment in b-movie soft porn horror shows.

Plant also shares my boyish enthusiasm for this flick but mainly because he has been a huge fan of Jenna Jameson ever since he was old enough to rent his first porno.

Southland Tales out of SYNC

"I am a Pimp and Pimp's don't commit suicide."A lot of first time viewers of Richard Kelly's latest work since "Domino" and the cult classic "Donnie Darko," will be prone to dismiss it as confusing, over done, even boring at times. That is unfortunate to say the least. This Sci-Fi twist on one of the oldest stories ever told , the book of Revelation, is refreshing in today's market of hackneyed remakes, mindless action Cg fest and teenage angst dribble. Dwayne Johnson (the Rock. The Run Down , Grid Iron Gang) and Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) head up an all star cast that includes Seann William Scott, Justin Timberlake, Jon Luvitz, John Larroquette and Mandy Moore. This edgy story about an alternate future is at times admittedly hard to follow. The Rock gives a better than average performance ,as does the rest of the cast, while Kelly tells his story of Political Corruption, Societal Breakdown, Terrorism, Time Travel and ultimately the End of the World. Kelly's use of satire and comedic element's throughout the film lend an interesting contrast to the underlying message of the movie: We are living in a reality that is not far from the fiction portrayed on screen. Definitely worth renting if not owning. I highly recommend this film for all hard core Sci-Fi buffs out there. If he could have snuck in Michael Caine and Christopher Walken, it would have been near perfect.

Plant on the other hand thought it was complete crap and a waste of film stock. He found the story convoluted and thought Richard Kelly would be better suited directing the Sequel to "Foreskin Gump."

I am dangerously close to smoking Plant.

I am Legend Hear Me Snore.

Being dead doesn't mean you can't feel pain, pity or remorse. If you could hear my plant talk, oh the things he would say. I remember liking the original "Omega Man", the movie that "I am Legend" was so shamelessly cloned from. Sure it had lousy over acting, poor direction and a low budget, but what it lacked in appeal it made up in story. Plus how can you go wrong with Charleston Heston at the helm? Well one would think the same for "I am Legend" and the immense star power of Will Smith, definitely one of my favorite contemporary actors. However F. Lawrence who brought us "Constantine", failed to deliver once more with this hour and a half melange of second rate CG effects, student film making and which way script writing. I found myself wishing I was still alive, just so I could kill myself to escape the misery of this unimaginative trip through lifeless dialog and mundane plot contrivances. I would've rather had the chance to suck the puss filled phlegm out of a cow's throat until it's stomach went flat, than endure for one more minute, the sophomoric pantomime of midlife crisis so forcefully regurgitated upon the defenseless audience. The ending ,just as trite and anticlimactic as the opening, could not come soon enough. Do yourself a favor and save the $3 or $4 dollar rental fee and watch something more entertaining like C-Span ,Sabado Gigante, or the lastest Al Jazeera tape.